Si Deus Me Relinquit (And Now Its Time To Leave Too)
by IzumiYuu
Summary: He was alone, truly alone. And he decides that it may all be for the better; so that Sebastian could be happy. (A Ciel-centric exploration of post-season II, what I felt may have happened when Ciel finally notices Sebastian's devastated look)


AN: Hey there! This is just a drabble I sort of came up with at like, 2.30am at night when I was suffering from feels and when I was listening to the very song, "Si Deus Me Relinquit", from the Kuroshitsuji OST. I tried my best to write some angst, and yeah. Just a warning, but this is just a short drabble exploring post season II when Sebastian leaves with Ciel. For those who are reading my other story, "Drunk", I'm currently in the midst of completing that last chapter so please be patient! Anyways, enjoy the story! :)

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters mentioned nor do I own the series or the song of which this piece of writing was inspired by. What I do own, however, are the words that made up this short essay, as well as any (dumb) mistakes that I may have made. Please do forgive me for that though, for this is not beta'd! And also, the lyrics can easily be found if you just search online. If there are any mistakes (language wise) in them it has nothing to do with me! XD

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**Si Deus Me Relinquit**

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_Si deus me relinquit,_

Softly, softly, foot after foot, treading quietly, gently in the soft grass. His eyes were closed, his shoulders relaxed as he took step after step, enjoying the gentle caress of the wind on his face.

He was abandoned, truly deserted by the God he used to believe in as a child.

_Ego deum relinquo._

And now he was forced to relinquish God too. He was a demon now. A spawn of the devil, a being of darkness.

His eyelids fluttered open, a pair of deep blue eyes gazing into the dark horizon of the evening, taking in the sight of the white flower petals with their almost ethereal glow and its stark contrast against the darkened sky. He was alone in the flower field. He knows for sure. His heightened senses could not detect any other being in the vicinity except for himself. He was truly alone now.

_Solus oppressus nigram clavem habere potest_

And now he's trapped in the world of the living, cursed with eternal life. The irony of it all, he thought. He who has no desire to live is now unable to die. He gave a dark chuckle at that thought.

How humourous it is, that he's now forever bound to his butler, that his soul will never be consumed.

How _humourous_ it is, that the very person he wished will love him, hates him, and that very person can never leave him.

_Omnias ianuas praecludo,_

_Sic omnias precationes obsigno_

But he could never speak of his true feelings.

He had seen the malicious glares the older man had given him, he could sense his butler's disappointment, his regret, his hate towards him.

And that's why, he thought, he should never speak of it, lest he hurts himself more. He was already broken enough deep down; he could spare himself from any more pain.

_Sed,_

_Qui me defendet_

_Ab me terribilissimo ipse?_

And he's _truly, truly_ alone, he realizes once again. Not a single friend or family left, for he had long been dead to them. The only person he trusted and loved was not an option for him to seek companionship any longer, for he knew the man could not even stand his presence any more.

And Ciel, he laughs. Laughs at his foolishness for falling for the demon, _his_ demon. Laughs at his predicament. Laughs at how he's vulnerable to the degradation brought about by his own pent-up emotions.

Gracelessly, he throws himself on the flowerbed, his fall cushioned by the thick layer of grass and soft petals.

_(Not that it actually mattered—he could not feel much pain even if he wanted to.)_

His fingers ghost along the rise of his right cheek, right below the eye that bears the covenant mark. And at that moment, the youth made a decision. A decision he hopes can bring happiness back to the one he loves; one he hopes that can erase the permanent grief of the loss of a good meal from the raven-haired man.

And he whispers quietly to no-one in particular,

"Sebastian, this is an order."

He feels his own tears streaming down his face, staining his skin and falling to the ground; his ears picking up the soft _'plip, plip'_ as they hit the leaves and petals.

"Sebastian. Please be free, please be happy."

He knows that the older man has heard him clearly over the contract bond, and he knows its too late. He doubles over in a sob that wracked his whole being, squeezing his now glowing ruby eyes shut as he feels like he could simply implode from his aching heart.

And Ciel swears that he's never felt more grief than when the words left his lips.

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AN2: Hello again! Please do R&R, and constructive criticism will always always be appreciated! I have a feeling this may develop into something more, but I would most probably use this as a prologue :B but either way, I will just post this as a stand-alone :) Thank you so much for reading!~


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